


If I Fall

by CourtesyTrefflin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Love, Friendship, Gen, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker are Siblings, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-28 13:13:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30140076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourtesyTrefflin/pseuds/CourtesyTrefflin
Summary: Obi-Wan Kenobi reminisces about the one thing which could make him Fall to the Dark Side."But – what if I Fell? The persistent, faint echo of the question doesn't leave his mind. No. No. He cannot think like that. He won't Fall. He won't succumb to the lure of the Dark Side."
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 9
Kudos: 23





	If I Fall

**Author's Note:**

> 've always thought that Obi-Wan wouldn't be in denial about the things which could make him choose the Dark Side... but it's not something he'd normally dwell on either. Enjoy! :)

War is always hard, especially so for those who lead the army. In the heat of battle, they have to make decisions which could either save or sacrifice dozens of their men. As Jedi, it's even harder since they feel the deaths all around them. Obi-Wan is completely exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. There was nothing easy about the most recent campaign. Not only had they almost failed, but he'd lost hundreds of his men.

Even now, laying on his bunk in the Star Destroyer, he can't rest. The entire atmosphere is echoing with pain and death. He knows well why so many Jedi are slipping. The constant strain is bad enough, but being surrounded by so much darkness and death, it's inevitable that some will begin to stray from the Light Side. Personally, he's found that the only thing which can soothe him is extended meditation sessions.

If he can't sleep, then he'll try meditating. It will reenergize him mentally if nothing else. He's a Council member; he can't slip, for if he does, what hope does the rest of the Order have? Obi-Wan shakes his head slightly, pushing away the distracting thoughts. It's a dark train of thought, and he cannot afford to lose himself down it.

But – _what if I Fell?_ The persistent, faint echo of the question doesn't leave his mind. No. _No._ He cannot think like that. He won't Fall. He won't succumb to the lure of the Dark Side.

Going to war, day after day, threats abound all around him. One mistake, and he could die. One wrong decision, and Anakin or Ahsoka could fall victim to the droids like so many other Jedi. Jedi aren't impermeable to blaster bolts; they just have lightsabers to defend themselves. Surrounded by darkness and death and pain on every side, Obi-Wan can't squash the next thought fast enough. What if Anakin died?

Obi-Wan is supposed to be a Jedi, but he knows he's not a very good one. The thought of losing Anakin terrifies him beyond words. He knows that his brother is the Chosen One; the Ones on Mortis proved it just recently. If Anakin's destiny is to balance the Force, it will protect him. He won't die before he completes his task. But what if everyone is wrong? They're not – Anakin _will_ balance the Force – but Obi-Wan still can't help but wonder.

And Anakin is so reckless. He plunges into the heat of battle seemingly without a care to his own safety. _What if he died?_ Obi-Wan normally never allows the question to bother him, because it's not something he lets himself think about, but now, he can't stop his mind from wandering. He would mourn, for sure. He would never be the same person again. The pain would be too deep, something he could never recover from. More than likely, he'd retire from the war and Council or leave the Order altogether.

Even away from the Temple, he'd still be a Jedi at heart. But he cannot picture himself fighting without Anakin at his side. He wouldn't be able to do it. He knows that beyond the shadow of a doubt. There's more, but it's not something he thinks he can even acknowledge. There's a reason he can consider every possible negative outcome but Anakin's death. Their bond is so strong, a light in the darkness of the times. Its breaking would destroy him. And – and –

Jedi are supposed to acknowledge the truth, aren't they? Why then, can he not accept what he knows to be true deep inside of him? Closing his eyes, Obi-Wan inhales deeply, before silently admitting the one thing he's been trying to hide for so long. If Anakin died in battle and there was nothing that he could do to stop it, he would blame himself. And what's more, he would probably Fall. The grief, the guilt, the pain. They would destroy him, making him into the very thing he's sought to destroy.

He shouldn't. He shouldn't love Anakin this deeply, but he does. The Jedi say it's wrong, say it's attachment, and he knows why. If the loss would push him over the edge, then it _is_ attachment. But he can't change it, and nor would he want to. It's so freeing to be able to admit that, even if he'd never tell another person. Yoda might understand, but Obi-Wan refuses to reveal such a weakness to any Jedi. It was hard enough when he was a Padawan to gain acceptance and approval, especially when he found it difficult to completely conform. He'd succeeded though, and he doesn't want to change anyone's impression of him as being a perfect Jedi.

Sighing heavily, Obi-Wan slips off his bunk and stands up. Clearly, he's not going to be sleeping, not with these morbid thoughts dancing around his mind. Anakin will be _fine_ , and Obi-Wan isn't going to Fall. Anakin wouldn't want him to anyways. Pushing the thought firmly aside, he realizes that he won't be sleeping. Almost without thinking, he's moving towards the door. He wants to – to see Anakin again. He very much doubts that his former Padawan is resting, so if he's not, Obi-Wan can probably force him to do so.

And secretly, he just wants to be absolutely certain that Anakin is fine. He shouldn't have been thinking about what he was. It was neither productive nor useful. Now, where can he find Anakin? He wasn't injured – at least not seriously – so he would have fought tooth and nail before staying in the med center on the Star Destroyer. Neither of them harbors any love for medics, partially because they're so often ending up injured.

Reaching out with the Force, Obi-Wan senses that Anakin isn't in his quarters either. Ahsoka, on the other hand, seems to be resting, which is good. No, Anakin seems much further away, maybe in the hanger. That would actually make sense. If he couldn't sleep, he probably decided to distract himself by repairing his star fighter. Obi-Wan would pick meditation, but who is he to judge? Anakin is only doing what works for him, and they both know that Anakin isn't good at meditating.

Picking up his pace, Obi-Wan makes his way to the hanger. It's mostly empty now, being late, but there's still some mechanics and others moving about. On the side, he sees Anakin's star fighter, the Jedi in question lying on his back under it, making adjustments with the tools his astromech, Artoo, passes to him.

"I thought I'd find you here," Obi-Wan comments dryly, moving over to the pair.

Anakin sticks his head out, face smudged with grease. He looks to be in need of a shower and some much-needed sleep, which he's not getting out here, not that Obi-Wan can blame him for being awake. Looking at him, the scene so familiar, Obi-Wan feels his heart clench. It's just like yesterday that Anakin was a child, but now, he's an adult – not really – leading an _army_. It's not right. It's not right that Ahsoka spend her the rest of childhood years as a soldier either.

"I thought you were going to your quarters," Anakin shoots back, rubbing his face with the back of his hand and leaving a smear there.

"I did. For a time," Obi-Wan agrees.

Anakin hums. "Couldn't sleep?" He reaches over and pulls another tool to his mechanical hand using the Force before scooting back under the fighter.

"No," Obi-Wan confirms, sighing lightly. In this moment, he wants nothing more than to hold Anakin and never let him go, but he doesn't move, instead crossing his arms to keep himself from doing anything. He doesn't normally show affection like that, even if he wants to on occasion, because he's not entirely comfortable with doing so.

"Me either." Anakin's voice is somewhat muffled by the metal over his head.

"Did you even try?" He doesn't even know why he asked, because he already knows the answer, but being here and feeling Anakin's familiar and comforting Force signature is soothing.

"Why try when there wasn't a point?" Anakin grumbles. There's a thud from under the fighter, followed by a mumbled curse. "Anyways," he continues a moment later, "I should be done here soon. Then I'll go to my quarters."

Obi-Wan hesitates but only for a moment. Anakin is part of him, more so than anyone else he's ever met. "Let me help you," he offers, something he almost never does. Without giving Anakin a chance to refuse, he lays down on the floor next to his younger brother in all but blood and slides under the fighter.

"Are you _sure_ , Master?" Anakin questions skeptically, giving him a sideways look.

"Of course," Obi-Wan huffs, frowning as he looks at the bottom of the ship. _This_ is why he never gets involved in repair jobs. He has absolutely no idea what's wrong. "What am I looking at here?" he finally queries.

Anakin snorts, nudging him playfully. "How about you pass me the tools I need, and I complete the finishing touches?" He's smiling slightly, and Obi-Wan feels himself fully relaxing.

"Sure. Whatever you want," he agrees amiably basking in the warmth that is Anakin's Force signature. He's not worried now that he's here. He's confident that nothing will happen to Anakin, maybe more than he should be. War is always hard, but maybe, just maybe it will be manageable if Anakin stays at his side, unknowingly helping Obi-Wan banish dark thoughts from his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this maybe consider reviewing or leaving kudos...? :)


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